41... Supposedly the prime-time of my life. By now, I should have a lot of things figured out. Where I'm going. What I'm supposed to be doing. How to deal with my emotions and stress. How to deal with other's emotions and stress. How to spend my money, and how to build things. By now, I'm supposed to be a full grown man. I should be able to support myself, my son, and even my significant other. And I have been, technically. I, however, still find myself alone and fighting against my decisions I make when I'm stressed out and emotionally drained.
This pattern, this cycle, over and over again. Feast or Famine, catching up to decisions I made in the past. I'm wasting my precious prime-time, cleaning up the mess I made when I decided to veer off the path that's so easy to follow. I spent the last 15 years of my life forging this path, and its a very stable road. But I continue veering off, searching for love, searching for my partner, searching for my other half. I'm tired and hungry. I'm frustrated and pissed off. How many women do I need to tell my story to again. How many women do I need to wine and dine, do the dance of, hey, do you like me? Do you think I'm good enough for you? Do you see the potential in me? Do you see a future with me? Oh, no? Ok, thanks for letting me know a year later, when you finally decided not to decide. Keep loving yourself, pal. Keep trying not to care and keep trying not to completely slaughter your heart every time you get into a relationship. Play it cool, but give them enough attention to keep them interested. Is it my belly? Go to the gym. Is it my personality? Don't show that too much. Oh, you just keep choosing the wrong type. Try and choose better next time. Eventually your woman will find you. Yeah, Ok. I'll keep looking but not too hard. I'll keep truckin! Yeah, that's great.
Then I think of all of the women I've already had spent time like this with. And how much I've changed. How much higher my standards are. How many drunk nights I've made plans with someone, and when the alcohol wears off, and the demons start talking, how horrible of an idea that was. Who the fuck am I anymore? Where's my backup plan? How the fuck do I get out of this mess I've created? Baby steps. One thing at a time. Eat, sleep, rinse, repeat. Over and over again, get out of jail free card spent. I have no control over anything. And I control everything.
Am I already too dead inside to escape? Are my chained arms showing bone yet? I don't even have the strength to unshackle my chains, installed for my own safety. I have to keep moving, I have no choice. I can't just lay in bed and wait for the day I can flip the calendar to the next month. I have commitments, responsibilities that if they fail, everything fails. Then I'm in a deeper ball of horse shit. The fear of losing everything scares me enough to keep going. What a great fuel for my life. Fear. Its easy, cheap, and readily available. And you can borrow some from just about anyone.
Pssh, this isn't me. I'm not afraid of anything. I'm not even afraid of passing onto the next plain, and into the great void. Nothing I know is really knowledge. Its just things I've copied from seeing things and hearing others talk about things. It's all rubbish. None of it can take this feeling of hopelessness and misery that's been plaguing my thoughts for as long as I can remember. I really am just a lost puppy, peeing on everything that smells interesting. Still waiting to grow up, to become a man, to magically become who I thought I would love to be. I don't love who I've become. I think I'm just a false hope, someone who almost made it, but squandered it all away because I didn't know what else to do. How else to use it. What to do differently to be who I want to be. I just kept following the crowd. And at the end of the journey, most everyone found their own path. And here I am alone again. Watching others succeed, find love, buy a house, have kids. I can't even bring myself to follow through with things I know would make me feel successful. I can't even pick up my damn guitar and write those songs I have written in my head. I've wasted everything that was good for me and turned it into more stress. Things that were just handed to me to make things much better. They sit on the floor, staring at me and I don't even make eye contact with them anymore. My house is a hall of disappointment, a museum of misery and a not so friendly reminder of all that I could have, but I just don't do.
And somehow, I need to teach my son a different way to be. I don't want him to copy this feeling. This version of our bloodline did not work as well as it could have. The only hope is to make sure he has the best life and environment, and teach him the tools that I've found so far to deal with emotions. I can never make him feel less than, like I was treated. And here I am being sad and annoying. The only time I can remember not feeling like this is when I'm in love.
So, be in love with myself. Perfect feedback loop. Stop hating and concentrating on the misery. Get something done, completed, off your plate right? Change the direction of my thoughts. Or at least add good ones to the bad ones thats dominated my brain space, so that one day there will be more good thoughts than bad ones. The overall average. Ugh. Ok, I've done that before. I've been happy before, and single. I've had a group of amazing friends before that lifted me up. I can find that again. I can find peace again, I know it's possible. Stop digging and start filling. Fill with love and care. Fill with happiness and hope. You are too fragile to start over again. There's nothing to erase, there's nothing but forward from here. Step by step. Move in some sort of direction that's not familiar. Do something different to get out of the cycle. I've made enough plans to fill multiple lifetimes. Time to get moving. To actually do it. Nobody is going to help you start it. If it were that easy, everyone would start it. But you have to start it. You have to be your own source of inspiration, your own motivator, coach, cheerleader, and referee. Get up, and go. Dont think about anything else. You are running out of time.
